‘Another one settled with a great partner and is soon on the pursuit of happiness. Oh, wait that’s your friend as well going on that same path’
‘Yes I guess. There are many recently following such direction and I am happy for them.’
‘Don’t lie to me, I am you. You are angry and jealous how could they settle and leave you, how could they find someone when someone like you is single. Admit it’
‘I feel sad for myself but I do not wish them harm. Actually, I am jealous of her finding someone when she doesn’t seem like a person who should settle now, and her with her ease of mind just drags me down…’
‘Now you’re talking! Let it out!!’
There have been words which through history surprisingly did not evolve or change, but kept creeping in our lives and into our loving souls. They have not been met with the inevitable destiny of changing because they were used constantly, leaving no room to allow their disappearance.
I recall as a child imagining these words to be of dark character as warned in my stories, creeping to the souls of people and turning them into the bad guys. They only came when lights were turned off in those people’s souls and replaced it with darkness, which crept more deeply in like a horrid cancer.
Scary to know that although I was working hard to protect my own soul from such words, they reached me. I felt the echo of jealousy, hate, envy within me and it only led me to hate myself…the circle started again.
“I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.” ~ Marilyn Monroe
As I was just beginning to wish I can somehow be punished for allowing these words to creep into me, I started to see it in the eyes of people around me. She felt jealous too for her friend being married, and that one allowed envy to creep when she felt neglected by her friends.
“The truth is, not one of is innocent. We all have sins to confess.” ~ C.W. Gortner
I suddenly realised the gift I have been given. To have darkness means allowing you to see it within others. I saw it within friends, families, colleagues, even pets…I saw it in the eyes of children and in the muttered sentences of the elderly.
I came into a conclusion that I felt the need to share with you:
I believe our childhood is the milestone for our present selves; what we feared, longed and dreamed of then do affect how we think and feel; even how and why we beat ourselves when we mess up.
I believe we all have a part which envies those who have things we long for even if we love them and care for them.
I believe jealousy can come from those dear to us even though they never mean to harm us.
I believe we can hate just because we were not loved back or for only wanting attention we did not have the courage or pride to ask for.
I believe some of us are more sensitive to those dark words than others; some shove them away while some struggle to keep them quit.
“Maybe the truth is, there’s a little bit of loser in all of us. Being happy isn’t having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it’s about stringing together all the little things.” ~ Ann Brashares
I decided on a new vow made to myself: when faced with one of those dark words, I will work on thinking of what I have been given instead and recall the thought that if I am a true believer in God, I should believe in his timing and wisdom and not challenge it or question it.