FIVE days with 85 hours vs. two days with 30 hours. This is how my week is split between my two worlds.

The first world is where I work, where I drive, where I am myself and I can talk openly with whomever and whenever…just being myself.

The second is where I have to be, my origin, my family, my refrained self, where I try to co-exist but also miss being in as just me.

One causeway between the two worlds that makes the story possible, the one place that sees the transaction of me behind the wheel to me next to the wheel.

It witnesses the me looking different from my covered passport and ID photo to the me matching it, holding the Abaya tight.

“Her two worlds, two lives that she tried so hard to keep separate, were crashing together. And she felt helpless to stop it.” ~ Aprilynne Pike

For the past six years this has been my scenario week in and week out. I had to be in both worlds, but one at a time, different depending on the time.

A young ambitious girl, I knew I did not want to settle for a dependent life, where being a successful working woman means you are still under your guardian’s “father, brother or husband” care.

I refused to believe I cannot be who I am fully and think of what others may say, how I should dress and what to say.

I decided to split my life into two, one the truth and one the semi-truth.

“When stuck between a rock and a hard place, people learn to fly.” ~ Celest Lotter

I face four kinds of people: those who support me, think I am crazy, envy my lifestyle or don’t even know I lead such life.

And almost weekly I am pondering on two realities: the part in me that is proud of this choice and never wants to change it and the other that is feeling tired – like a restless warrior.

But I keep reflecting on this thought every time one of these worlds clashes with the other for my time and energy:  Should I give up and come back to fight with the rest of my kind or should I never call defeat and continue to lead my life the way I want, regardless anything?

Yours,

Confused and unsure

“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.” ~ Coco Chanel

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