‘Basma, why do you need to run faster?’ – Because I want to win!

‘Why?’ – Because I want to be the best

‘Ya Ok, but why?’ – that’s a silly question, because it is who I am!

Since the age of 9, my worthiness was linked to my ability to outperform and over achieve. I always felt I am unique, and found the way to prove it through every ‘Well done’ I got from parents, teachers and friends. I truly believed that every time I got extra grades for the more essays I was writing, I am worth something. The higher my scores compared to my friends, the better I am.

As an adult, my worthiness grew to resemble the number of crossed tasks and ticked lists I accumulated throughout the weeks. The more the merrier and the worthwhile, I believed. I found structure, a way to reason with my existence, to prove I am in fact unique.

“After so many years struggling to keep up with you, I finally realized we’re not even running the same race.” ~ Scott Stabile

I ran after her, that mirror image of me, called her to stop as the finish line was a mile back, but she kept running…

Me: Why are you still running?

Mirror Me: don’t you see, we need to keep up with them. They are beating us again

Me: But we just crossed the finish line..

Mirror Me: But if we ran more, we would beat them and then even some!

Me: But I lost the point, why were we even running…

Just then, I stopped and Mirror me looked back at me annoyed. Why am I doing this? I could not answer that simple question, all I heard was the echo calling “Because this is what you know HOW to do thing”.

But that answer was not satisfactory anymore, it did not boost my worth as it did before, and I knew – I know to find the why in my existence – why do I write, do I work, do I exist.

“Finding WHY is a process of discovery, not invention.” ~ Simon Sinek, Author

 

 

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